If your idea of a good night involves downing a pint of your mates piss whilst doing a headstand with a chilli up your arse chanting Yaya Toure in adulation: Please look away now.
LAD culture is an epidemic sweeping through the nation in a blurry whirlwind of snake bite, aztec print, dodgy haircuts and cleavage Thursdays – the most bizarre relationship of human anatomy and a weekday of all time. Wherever you are in the country, you are almost guaranteed to have had the misfortune of stumbling across the new breed of LAD. On a night out, NightOutLADS will commonly be found at the bar, chanting. Or in the queue, chanting. Or in the toilets, chanting.However, another hot spot for the LAD is on the dance floor. They can often be found parading their intoxicated lover for the night in some sort of bizarre chlamydia ridden sex ceremony. See, for LAD’s it’s not the quality, it’s the quantity. Everything comes down to numbers. Whether that’s the ‘wenches’ who form the infamous ‘tally’, or the amount of WKD blue’s they can strawpeado in a minute, LADs are obsessed with having the most. The LAD with the most wins. 10 lad points, kingLAD.
If in the day you ever feel like going on the search for a daytimeLAD look no further than your average hightstreet retailer. Once they’ve got over the fancy dress filled sports social of the night before, and had their fill of ‘one for the hangover’ courtesy of every LADs favourite website, The LADbible, they will take to the shops. There they will be, in the corners of either All Saints, Hollister, Topman, or River Island buying some sort of low neck t-shirt, patterned vest or jeans so tight you can see their bulge in. They will be talking of the unprotected sexual conquests of the night before, and the chundering shitLAD in the taxi so loudly that everyone in the store can dish out the LADpoints to them.
However, this all may sound fairly innocuous and rather pedantic but there is a darker side to the LAD, when the ‘banter’ goes beyond the realms of a bit of fun and into the downright worrying. In 2012 uniLAD, a website designed for male students posted the rather unnerving statement: “If the girl you’ve taken for a drink… won’t spread for your head, think about this mathematical statistic,” they wrote, “85% of rape cases go unreported. That seems to be fairly good odds.” This is not the only incident of LAD culture promoting Rape Culture. Last year, a Leeds night club promoted a club night whereby boys were asked how they were going to violate Fresher girls. One lovely LAD responded with ‘well she’s paying for the cab, she’s paying for the drinks. She’s going to get raped’. This isn’t the Banter shared between a few blokes so heavily drenched in CK In2u that it infiltrates your clothing once you get within 10 feet of them, its a sexist slur advocating rape culture from one culture that is now oblivious and outdated.
The LAD culture needs to go, or realise that it’s time for change. Its outdated and obnoxious beliefs that it preaches are being lapped up by a young audience determined to be The Arch Bishop of Banterbury. What we don’t want is a generation growing up to believe that jokes advocating and make light heart of rape are okay, who believe a woman’s place is truly in the kitchen and believe that low cut v-necks and walnut whip haircuts really is a good look. Unfortunately LAD culture has not been a fad. Its distinctive scent of Ck In2u and telesales offices has lingered over the UK for too long. It’s time for LADs to hop on the Banter bus and disappear off into the sunset.
But, maybe its me. Maybe I’m just a ShitLAD.